Here is my top ten list (think of it like Letterman…only different…sassier maybe) of things women need to do to make it big…like rock star big…in the church today. That is if , of course, you don’t want to just ride the Mommy train into kids church each week….hoping to heck that someone…anyone really…would help you the junk out because you watch the dang kids every darn day of the week. Can’t a girl get some help on Sunday of all days…or is that just me talking? Because sister let me tell you, watching kids, teaching kids, admitting you have kids, any thing with the word kids on it and you will be assigned to the minor leagues ladies. We know that truly gifted rock-star leadership is up front, out loud…conference speaking…,headline touring, lots of people buying your junk rock star leadership we are talking about. As long as we have that straight…let’s move on.
Starting with my list of top ten ways to make it ROCK STAR BIG in the church. Grab a pen, let’s take some notes shall we.
1. Be super conservative….and preach…I mean teach, wait… sorry I mean SHARE…. you share on “topics”..never preach…hardly teach…always share…like a missionary or something. You may get some cred with this approach.
2. When you do this…make sure it is about the power of praying for your cat…your dog…, your kid or your husband if you have one..and if you don’t well I guess your prayers are not needed or powerful. I am sorry but the power of a praying single just doesn’t have as much zip in it…so try to remedy this situation. Then, formulate it into a 30 day guide or something and cred is just around the corner.
3. Set up an entire teaching curriculum that teach other women..never men….just women mind you… how to color in their bibles. Men don’t need to know how to color in their bibles, they clearly are smart enough to assimilate knowledge without colored pencils. Just know your audience and get er done girl..us girls we are creative….if we can make it look cutsie then it will all work out fine…..ya feel me?!
4. This may really take some creative spin, but you could talk about what a bikini is really saying…talk about how to be submissive or Proverbs 31 (we all know that is the gold standard for any type of female action in the Bible) …maybe throw the word dating in there to really get the buzz going. Better yet, talk about modesty and submitting to male leadership and the boys club will pat you on the head and send you to the top of the line. Heck, half of the girls club may bake you a cake as you walk to the head of the class for we all know that a woman’s body is akin to a Molotov Cocktail. We don’t dare let it out of its defined roles of help mate or “nursing mother” roles it would create mass panic, so as long as you walk that rope carefully, you should be okay.
5.Sing…if you got pipes girl…you are golden..blessed even….if you can sing and have a bad ass band backing you up..then you are assured rock star status in the church. If you can’t sing, it may be balderdash for you but there are still some other options you could try if you really want to play with the big dogs.
6. Get tattoos…apparently the more you have the more people love you. MAD CRED ladies…MAD CRED.
7. Cuss…really anything to raise the eyebrows of anyone in numbers 1-5. You know what they say….there is no bad press..Just get your name out there girl. With a few well placed F bombs in regards to “the simple way” and you may just be booked on the next big speaking circuit.
8. Be pro-gay marriage/ordination etc. etc. This will take you to the top like a rocket baby. Speak about it every single chance you get…make it your thing to declare…and girl friend…you’re gonna get cred…lots of it..both good and bad so you better bring your A game…man up… and be prepared for people to throw stuff at you. Don’t worry you can throw stuff back…it’s all fair in love and war right? Note to self….witty comebacks are a MUST if you decide to go this approach…so make sure you practice a little self talk in a mirror or something and get ready to let it fly when needed.
9. Talk about how pissed you are that the “church boys club” is so (insert derogatory remark here) and complain that no one is ever giving woman any play time in the church playground..umm unless it is in kids church and that is another conversation. We don’t need to mention anything about minorities not getting much play either…just keep it all about the v-jayjay ladies. We don’t want to dilute the potential air time you will get if you keep this about gender. If you want equality…you better make darn sure you remind people every darn day that you are a woman and need equal play. That should get you air time, maybe some cred but don’t worry…cred can be built after you have made enough noise to be heard. I know kicking and screaming about is kind of stereotypical but in this case we will allow it because the end justifies the means right?!
10. and last but not least, throw huge conferences in regular intervals were people get slain in the spirit every chance you get. Don’t worry about deep study or grounded teaching…just get sloppy drunk…high even on the presence of God…whether real or imaginary and you will be the darling child of devotees everywhere.
Take note….There are a few things that will get you NO WHERE FAST on the Rock Star Plan. Live simply, study deeply, care for the least of these, admit you are wrong or shocker…don’t know about a given topic, do the works of Jesus in simple, sustainable, intentional and even supernatural ways, gather 2-5 people (even if those 2-5 people happen to be your children) around you consistently that you are modeling a life of discipline to Jesus and challenging them to grow in it, plant lots and lots of little communities of faith everywhere you go, talk about Jesus and his mission, the kingdom. stay in the margins. If you hang in church circles, everyone will defer to your husband anyway, because we all know real pastors are ordained and get all the eye contact, if you hang in non church circles you will be seen as an old-fashioned (although loveable) weirdo who actually believes there really is only one way and his name is Jesus. All of the above will slow you way down sister. You may actually come to a standstill even. If this should happen, seek help from the first God-fearing man you find. He will surely have a way out for you, giving you the best direction humanly possible.
I’ve had this rolling around in my head for a few weeks, thinking on the absurdity of the church marketing machine and how fast that thing works. How there are criteria that are used to determine which few woman should be tapped to share in the public voice of the church. It is funny really. Women have worked very successfully, with no fan fare, in the margins since the beginning of the church. We are used to it…almost don’t even think about it…It is the water we swim in and there are countless numbers of bad-ass rock star women leading the church all over the WORLD who will not write one book, blog or song, who will never be known or care to be, are not receiving a pastoral stipend or tax break but are faithfully changing the face of the world through their intentional work. I think Jesus looks down on the least of these and thinks…yep…they’re getting it right. But that is just my quite female opinion.