That’s what the collective “they” say right? So gently and lovingly I am going to playfully put one foot in front of the other every day. For some unknown reason, from a very early age, I have felt the need to be overly responsible, super serious…committed… driven and not like a kid at all. In my teens, I was described as a “hard worker” with no time for doing what the others my age where up to, when I was in my early 20’s, my spiritual mom described me as a “motorboat that just didn’t quit”, in my early 30’s a friend described me as a “pit-bull with a T-bone steak that no matter what wouldn’t let go” and now at the close of my third decade, that inner fire, drive and God given passion consumed me from the inside out in the form of full on adrenal fatigue that presented itself in all its scariness as I was running my first marathon…and my sorry ass has been trying to figure out which end is up for the past several month. It has been about 2 years that I have been praying for the grace to let things roll off my back, to be more playful and childlike..to really enjoy each present moment without thinking about the moments ten steps down the road all the damn time. It has taken “this” to find that.
Slowly, and gently, like caked on mud being washed off of tires that have been spinning their wheels for far too long, the Holy Spirit has been guiding me to this current season of undoing. We all have them, several of them over our lifetime and this is my glorious undoing..revealing the way back to my childlike joy. I must say I love it and hate it all at once. I do know that if I don’t write and process and “create” my way through this I will fall head long into depression. That is what self introspection does if it is not rooted in looking outward at the same time.
All I know to do now is sleep and play and sleep and play, write a little and then eat, eat, eat for health. To experiment without expectations…to stay faithfully rooted to the One who gives me life and breath and trust that in his good time, I will gather this season as a gem in my bag of gems won in this battle of moving onward and upward and like the little princess I am, dance my way into the next act.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Pax Vobiscum All,